And I said I don't care...
Welcome to MiltonCorp™ — the only company
where a Swingline 747 in Rio Red is more
protected than your pension, your parking spot, and your will to live.
"I could set the building on fire." — Milton Waddams, Performance Review 1999
Because HR said "we can't have another incident."
Milton's stapler is protected under a 14-page interoffice memo, a passive-aggressive Post-it, and an unspoken social contract that everyone ignores anyway.
"Excuse me… I believe you have my stapler."
Milton submitted a 47-slide PowerPoint to senior management requesting a LoJack device for his stapler. Budget was denied. The stapler vanished two days later.
Status: Under review since 1998.
Should the stapler go missing one more time, Milton has threatened to burn the building down. Legal has reviewed this. Facilities has pre-positioned a fire extinguisher.
Threat Level: Red (obviously).
Initech Corporation — Internal Memorandum
Date: Sometime in 1999 | Priority: EXTREMELY HIGH
TO: All Initech Employees, Management, The Guy Who Keeps Moving My Desk
FROM: Milton Waddams, Storage Room B (formerly: Floor 4, formerly: Floor 3, formerly: Floor 2…)
SUBJECT: My Red Swingline Stapler (RIO RED, Model 747, Serial #MW-0001-MINE)
I wanted to make it very clear — and I shouldn't have to say this again — that the red Swingline stapler located near my desk (wherever that currently is) belongs to me. I bought it myself. I even put my name on it with a label maker that I also own and which has also gone missing.
Last Tuesday, someone took my stapler. I did not say anything because I was told there would be birthday cake in the break room as compensation. There was no cake. There was a cupcake. A single, sad cupcake with no frosting. This is not acceptable.
I am also aware that my desk has been moved four (4) times this quarter and that my paychecks "got lost in processing" for the third consecutive year. I have been very patient about this. I am running out of patience. And cake.
⚠️ If my stapler is not returned by end of business Friday, I will have no choice but to burn the building down. I've mentioned this before. I just want my stapler. That is all.
— Milton M. Waddams
Employee #0091-MUT (Mumbling & Utilities Division)
"I was here first."
1996
Milton purchases a red Swingline 747 from an office supply catalog. He names it. HR does not approve of this emotionally.
1997
Bill from Accounting borrows the stapler for "just a second." The stapler is gone for 3 months. Milton files a report. IT deletes the report.
1998
Milton is moved from Floor 4 to Floor 2. The stapler makes it. Milton's sense of dignity does not.
1999
Milton is relocated to Storage Room B. No windows. One working fluorescent tube. The stapler disappears the same week. The building catches fire shortly after. Coincidence.
Present Day
The stapler has not been recovered. Milton is reportedly living in a tropical location, unbothered, with a beverage and a brand new Swingline. Justice exists after all.
"Yeah, I'm gonna need you to go ahead and… stop putting your name on staplers. That'd be great. Mmkay?"
Bill Lumbergh
VP of Caring Very Little, Initech
"I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything I thought it could be."
Peter Gibbons
Senior Software Engineer (Technically)
"I'm also going to need to ask you about your TPS reports. Did you get the memo? There's a new cover sheet."
Tom from Management
TPS Report Enforcement Division
"I could set the building on fire. I— I could do that. I have the matches. I've kept the matches. Nobody took the matches yet."
Milton Waddams
Storage Room B | Mumbling Division
Rio Red. Swingline 747. Answers to no one. Last seen on Milton's desk before the whole "basement incident." Reward: One cupcake (with frosting this time).